I'm not the first to write about the impact of unresolved trauma on relationships and family. But it is only when we experience something first hand, and have to navigate our way through it, that we really come to understand it.
This last year has been a personal deep-dive into the impact of unresolved childhood trauma. I have been immersed in living with its impact on a loved one, and the knock-on effect on the lives of those around them. It has not been easy. I have watched, listened, read, studied and dreamed the territory over the last fourteen months - albeit from the perspective of someone who didn't suffer the original woundings. What I have been learning has shed light on so many dynamics that I could not make sense of previously.
There is part of me that is reluctant to write about the subject - it is extremely delicate and personal. There is always the danger of being met with 'you are not the one living with PTSD - how dare you complain'. But the impact of unresolved childhood trauma is so pervasive that I feel the need to share my own experience in the hope that it may shed a light for others who may be experiencing its collateral damage*.
While each person is unique in their pattern of responses, there are areas that appear to be generally impacted by childhood trauma - areas that affect not only the lives of those who have lived through the traumatic events but also those who share lives with them as adults. Understanding what these are can be the foundation on which wider support, healing and rebuilding can take place for everyone concerned, and can also help mitigate the passing of further trauma to future gnerations.
Life skills. Trauma impacts the brain, and when it occurs in childhood, it can impact crucial brain development. The legacy of this is wide-ranging and can include:
- a difficulty in envisioning and planning for a future;
- a lack of discernment, for example with regard to information, situations, money and people;
- dfficulty regulating emotions and potential for emotional reactivity.
For those living with the second-hand impact of this, they may experience a friend/partner/parent who appears to have no interest in a shared future - whether that is of a shared business venture, growing old together or the growing up of children, They may experience someone who does not always make wise decisions, getting repeatedly pulled into situations that have negative consequences for all and not simply for the individual. And the emotional volatility and difficulty in handling normal adult stressors can create tense home environments, where it feels as if there's a need to 'protect' the individual from stress in order to preserve harmony, accompanied by a constant sense of 'walking on eggshells'.
Self nurturing. As the core sense of self may be damaged in childhood trauma, the result can be an adult who may have difficulty appropriately acknowledging, understanding and responding to their own needs. The denial of basic needs can be a consequence, but so can the 'hungry ghost*' that never seems to be satiated no matter how much love and attention it gets. For friends and family, this can present as an unhealthy denial of personal needs - with an accompanying lack of understanding of others' needs. It can also present as a constant need for new sources of attention to bolster a weak sense of identity, resulting in perspectives and behaviour that are overly self-centred.
A life not fully lived. While it's certainly true that many people - not only those that have experienced childhood trauma - can reach points in later life when they feel they have not fully lived their lives, it is particularly acute with those who are dealing with the impact of unresolved trauma during childhood. As a result, there can be a constant looking back accompanied by a desire to revisit earlier adult years in order to live them again or more fully. For friends and family, this can feel as if their present reality in the person's life is somehow less important than the past, and that the individual's priorities are elsewhere.
Intimacy and relationships. The knock-on impact on adult relationships is significant, especially if the unresolved trauma relates to sexual abuse. Trust issues abound. There are difficulties in maintaining consistency with intimacy - possibly blowing hot and cold on lovers, resulting in the other parner/s being pulled into trauma bonds* (which are exacerbated by 'hot/cold' behaviour). An inability to show up for others consistently can also be an issue, as can the nurturing of important relationships - including those with children, friends and colleagues.
But there is a further complicating factor. Traumas that take place over time rather than as one isolated event can involve a web of inter-related emotions and memories. The triggering of any one of these emotions - no matter how innocuous it may seem on the surface - can activate the entire psychological complex, resulting in an emotional reaction that is over and above what might be expected. It is intimate partners that have the greatest potential to unconsciously trigger a trauma response and, in situations where trauma is unrecognised and unresolved, it can be projected onto an intimate partner - who is then seen as the aggressor. Without an understanding of the dynamics that are at play, the result can be partners that retreat from each other in distrust and/or resort to aggression.
Need for escape. With difficulties around emotional regulation, stress and general challenges in dealing with life, individuals carrying unresolved childhood trauma can need a way of escaping and/or numbing out. Alcohol, drugs, overwork, sex and other habits can become addictions that further erode relationships of all types, exacerbating difficulties for the individual themselves and for friends and family around them.
The combination of all of the issues above is a potent cocktail that undermines the cohesion of relationships and families, and potentially other close friendships and partnerships. If you are reading this as either someone dealing with the impact of another's trauma on your life or as someone who has experienced childhood trauma, you may be wondering why on earth you would want to continue in any kind of relationship. It is certainly not for the faint hearted, and there are many that choose not to go there. But childhood trauma occurs in the first place in families, relationships and communities, and I firmly believe that the best opportunities for healing such traumas is within the supportive framework of relationships, families and/or communities. Our world is, after all, built on human relationships of one kind or another.
The stringent caveat here is that those frameworks need to have adequate support as well as a deep understanding of the impact of trauma, if they are to provide containers within which healing can happen. This deep understanding needs to extend beyond the ongoing legacy of trauma on the individual to encompass how it is affecting the family and social network around the individua. Emotions such as shame and guilt can be evoked by looking at this wider legacy, as the individual can feel they are responsible for the negative impact on others' lives and may want to shut down and retreat from this perceived additional burden. But without an acknowledgement that this collateral damage takes place - itself a trauma - neither the personal nor the wider social healing of trauma can occur.
"In order to overcome trauma people need to feel safe enought to open up their hearts and minds to others and become engaged with new possibilities. This can only be done if trauma survivors, and their communities, are helped to confront and confess the reality of what has happened and are helped to feel safe again."
(Bessel van der Kolk)
For those who want to read or study further, as a starting place I would recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and NICABM's CPD courses for therapists. Neither are 'easy' - but then neither is the territory.
*Footnotes:
Collateral damage: In this context, I use the term to describe the fallout on those that are not directly responsible for the inner conflict that is experienced by someone carrying unresolved trauma. These are frequently partners, children and other family members.
Hungry ghost: A term borrowed from eastern traditions that I use here to illustrate the inner emptiness that can accompany unresolved trauma, where attention, validation and love was not available at key developmental stages in childhood.
Trauma bonds: The term is most accurately used to describe the emotional attachments that form between a person and someone who mistreats them (even if unwittingly). They can form within a narcissistic relationship, where one partner is unable or unwilling to provide consistent affection and support. The 'on/off' or 'warm/cold' cycles create changes in brain chemistry that resemble addiction and are quite different to the emotional connections that form when there is trust and consistency within a relationship.
Comments